Five Times John and Rodney Didn't Have Sex
"I don't believe this," Rodney huffed behind him.
John came to a halt, holding up a hand to signal Rodney. "I think there's one in front of us," he whispered, listening to the crashing in the bushes.
"Dinosaurs. We came to another galaxy just to get killed by dinosaurs." Rodney flattened himself against the rock face, hand on his gun.
"We don't know that. They might be lizards. Big lizards." John tried to peer through the dense undergrowth.
"Yes, a very important distinction. I'll be sure to ask it if it's warm-blooded before it tears me to pieces."
John nodded. "You do that." He began to move forward again, hugging the wall of exposed rock. "Come on."
A moment later a shrill cry brought them to a halt. "Damn it," John growled. Definitely one ahead of them. They were closing in from all sides.
"Sheppard," Rodney said, tugging John's arm. When John turned, Rodney pointed up.
The rock face here wasn't quite as sheer, and when John leaned back he could make out ledge about fifteen feet up, with a dark shadow behind it. "A cave?" he asked. The wall was definitely climbable. "Go." He gave Rodney a shove.
Rodney didn't hesitate, thank god. He scrambled up the wall with surprising speed, finding toeholds as he grabbed onto jutting rock and exposed roots to pull himself up. Another shrill screech from the left, the steady thudding of monstrous feet on the ground and John knew this was it, they were charging. He clipped his P90 to his belt and climbed up after Rodney, heart pounding. His hand slipped, he lost some ground but he refused to look down, he knew they were beneath him with their claws and giant jaws with the twenty million teeth and Rodney was right, this would be a stupid, stupid way to die, eaten by dinosaurs, and damn it, someone had better put that on his headstone--
Almost there but his toehold broke away, his fingers slipping and then a firm hand wrapped around his wrist and hauled him up. John was sure he heard a jaw snapping shut beneath him and as they tumbled together into the cave and the first thing he did was sit up and check his feet--yup two of them, the same number he had started out with that morning.
"Oh god, oh god, are you all right?" Rodney had an iron grip on John's wrist, his other hand tangled in the webbing of John's tac vest. "They moved so fast, I thought--I just--"
"Yeah," John panted. He patted Rodney's leg. "Thanks, buddy."
A quick glance showed the cave was small, and mercifully empty. And safe. John leaned out to glance cautiously over the edge. All he could see from his vantage point were two thick long tails, swaying from side to side as the creatures growled and sniffed and scraped against the wall. "Okay," John said, sliding back further into the cave. "You guys stay there, and we'll just wait for rescue up here. Deal?"
He leaned back, waiting for his heartbeat to approach something like normal. It took him a moment to realize he was leaning against something warm--Rodney. "Hey," John said, twisting around.
Rodney didn't look like he was going to let go of him anytime soon. John was okay with that. "I thought you were going to fall," Rodney whispered, like it was an accusation. "Into their mouths."
"Yeah. Me too," John said, breathless all over again. This close up, Rodney's eyes were enormous, and he still looked terrified. "I'm okay," John insisted, despite the odd twisty feeling deep in his gut.
Rodney shook his head, and if anything, looked even more scared and yet suspiciously determined.
"Rodney?" Something was up. Rodney was acting strange, even for Rodney. "You okay?"
Rodney took a breath and leaned toward him. For a split second John grew even more confused and then John knew what was coming and he shouldn't let it happen, no matter how much he wanted it. He should say something, he should pull away and he was going to, honest, he was just about to announce his opposition to Rodney's plan when Rodney's lips brushed his in a surprisingly sweet kiss and John's resolve crumbled.
"Rodney," he breathed.
"Yes?" Rodney murmured and John wasn't sure if he was asking a question or an acknowledgment but it wasn't important because they were kissing once more, Rodney's mouth opening easily under his.
John's heart began pounding all over again. He couldn't stop touching as they kissed, smoothing a hand over Rodney's head, running his hands over Rodney's arms and then oh yeah, Rodney's thighs, Rodney's strong, broad thighs. It was awkward with the tac vests and guns and holster but the more John touched, the rougher Rodney's kisses became and that was pretty damn cool, knowing that he could get Rodney so worked up.
Rodney pulled him closer, until John was practically in his lap. When his hands cupped John's ass, all John could think was that this would be so much better naked, especially when Rodney slipped a hand under the gapping waistband of his pants. He moaned against Rodney's cheek, his cock hard and aching and he wanted Rodney's hands on him, wanted Rodney to jerk him off, to suck on him, to do anything and everything to him.
"Please," he said, taking Rodney's hand and placing it on his crotch.
Rodney squeezed. "Wow. Oh wow. This is--can we--"
At the sound of Caldwell's voice in his ear, John jerked back, falling off of Rodney's lap as he frantically activated his radio. "Yes, yes, Sheppard here," he gasped and crap, could he sound any more like he was in the middle of a good time?
He caught a quick glimpse of Rodney adjusting himself before a flash of light engulfed them. In a blink of an eye they were sprawled on the floor of the Daedalus. "Thank you, Colonel," John said as he rose to his feet, albeit shakily. "Much appreciated."
Caldwell nodded. "What the hell happened down there?"
Startled and confused--how could Caldwell know?--John opened his mouth but no sound came out.
"Dinosaurs, great big man-eating dinosaurs," Rodney babbled. "Huge teeth. Thousands of them."
"Yes," John said, pointing at Rodney and nodding.
"Great," Caldwell said. "We can cross that planet off the list." He gave orders to his helmsman to return to Atlantis. John straightened his vest, hiked up his pants, and finally risked a glance at Rodney, who was gazing around the deck of the Daedalus and looking everywhere but directly at him.
"McKay," John said sharply.
Rodney cringed, looking even more guilt-ridden than John thought was possible. "Yes?"
"Nice going down there." John put a hand on Rodney's shoulder, forcing him around to look him in the eye. "You showed real initiative."
"I did?" Rodney's head jerked up and John could see the very moment the meaning of his words sank in. "Yes, I did, didn't I?"
Rodney's smile was blindingly smug and John thought his might be, too.
The first time they spent the night together John woke curled around Rodney, his face pressed against the back of Rodney's neck, his chest flat against Rodney's back, his knees tucked in behind Rodney's.
It was a good place to be. Warm and comfortable.
It was still early, judging by the quality of the sunlight and Rodney remained asleep, his body fascinatingly still. No sign of all the twitchy energy so apparent in the daytime, the bouncing with racing words and flying hands, so quick and lively that it always made John want to slump even further in his chair as he watched.
John sighed contentedly, then nuzzled the fine hairs at the nape of Rodney's neck. No flurry of activity, no words, just slow, steady breathing. It was a rare moment. He tightened his grip on Rodney's waist, bringing his knees further up and snuggling closer so that Rodney's ass was pressed firm against his hips.
Rodney grunted, but didn't move.
John waited for Rodney's breathing to steady before he moving his hand down, slow as can be, until his fingertips touched Rodney's wiry pubic hair. He waited again while Rodney sighed and shifted his legs. Then continued his stealthy journey until he had Rodney's soft cock cupped in the palm of his hand.
"Mmmrph," Rodney said. His cock twitched.
Holding his breath, John waited for Rodney to say something more--something intelligible, maybe, but he heard nothing more than a quiet sniff and a slow inhalation. When he was certain that Rodney was still sleeping, he moved his hand over Rodney's cock, stroking it carefully. It thickened in his hand, gently poking his palm.
John's own cock was now wide awake and nestled happily in the warm, snug space between the cheeks of Rodney's ass.
Rodney made a noise deep in his throat, then shifted. "Coffee," he mumbled.
John pressed a kiss to his neck. "Hmm?"
"John," Rodney said, his voice low and gruff.
"Yeah." John purred. He stroked Rodney's cock again and gave a little push with his hips. Lazy morning sex. His favorite. He intended to make sure it became Rodney's favorite, too.
"One thing you should know," Rodney said, twisting around to gaze at John through half-lidded eyes.
"What?" John licked Rodney's chin.
"I do not put out before my first cup of coffee."
John blinked, then gave Rodney's cock a hopeful squeeze.
Rodney shook his head.
With a sigh, John got out of bed and padded over to the coffeemaker.
"Rodney," John said, then winced. Even that much hurt.
Rodney was pulling his tee-shirt off over his head. "Hmmm?"
"I hate to say this, but I have a headache."
"Oh?" Rodney stood bare-chested, tee-shirt clutched in his hand, his expression growing oddly forlorn. "A headache?"
John nodded. Carefully, as to not jar his throbbing head.
"Okay," Rodney said in a small voice. He didn't meet John's eyes. "Fine. If you're--um, I'll just--" He found the hem of his shirt, slipped his arms inside and pulled it back over his head.
"Rodney," John said again. "Come here."
Rodney took a step toward the bed.
John impatiently motioned for him to come closer.
Another step. Then one more, and Rodney was close enough.
John smacked Rodney's arm, hard. "For god's sake, Rodney, Do you really think I'd be that lame?"
"Ow." Rodney rubbed his arm, glaring.
Even though it made his head hurt worse, John smacked Rodney's arm again for good measure and glared back at him.
"Well, I didn't know. I thought you were giving me the brush-off." Rodney's tone was petulant. "You mean it's for real?"
"Yes, Rodney, it's for real." John leaned back against his pillows. The low groan of pain as he closed his eyes was not entirely for effect.
"Did you take anything for it? Is it really bad? Have you been down to the infirmary?"
John took a breath and ticked off his answers. "Yes, aspirin, yes, it hurts, and no, it's just a headache."
"Are you sure that's all it is? Because seriously, this is the kind of place where a seemingly innocuous as a headache could mean anything. You're not having any visions, are you? Auditory hallucinations? Seizures?"
John opened his eyes, startled to find Rodney nose to nose with him. "No," he said wearily, "I'm fine, it's just a--"
Rodney threw his hands into the air. "I know, I know, just a headache." He sat next to John and peered at his face. "I think your pupils are dilated."
"My pupils are fine."
"Oh, right." Rodney chin went up a notch. "And how would you know that?"
"Because," John said with growing exasperation. "Because they're--just because."
"You haven't been in contact with any ancient devices, have you?"
"No," John explained slowly. "I've been in meetings all day, sitting right next to you, if you recall."
"Oh, right." Rodney rubbed his chin. "Are you sure you don't want to go to the infirmary? I think you should get this checked out."
John clenched his jaw. "Can I please just sit quietly?"
It would have been easier to have sex. At least then he'd get to have an orgasm instead of an argument.
Rodney opened his mouth. John scowled and held up a finger in an attempt to shush him.
Rodney let his breath out in a huff, but he didn't say anything more. He simply sat with his arms folded across his chest, mouth pressed tightly shut. He looked like he was in pain, as if it was taking a physical toll to stay silent. John watched Rodney's mouth get flatter and thinner, his cheeks turning pink and it made John's head hurt worse just to watch.
"What?" John finally blurted.
"Coffee." Rodney said. "Coffee can help, it constricts the blood vessels and eases the pain, do you want me to get you some? I can make a fresh pot. Although? Water is good, if you are dehydrated, that can result in a headache too. Did you drink any water at all today? Because with the meetings and all--"
"Or I maybe I can just go because I'm not really helping at all, am I?" Rodney's shoulders slumped.
"No." John put a hand over Rodney's and squeezed. Despite his discomfort he had to bite back a smile. "Not even a little."
"Right. Sorry." Rodney patted John's leg, then pressed his lips to John's forehead. "Maybe I should just go down to the lab for a while."
John nodded in agreement. "Good idea. I'm going to call it an early night and get some sleep."
With a worried frown, Rodney kissed him again before rising from the bed. He disappeared into the bathroom, then emerged with a glass of water and a bottle of aspirin. "Just in case you need more."
Maybe he was a little thirsty. And some more aspirin wouldn't hurt. "Thanks, Rodney."
Rodney nodded, then turned and headed for the door.
"Oh, Rodney?" John called out. "Not a brush-off, all right? I wouldn't do that to you."
"Of course not." Rodney said quickly. "I knew that."
"Yeah." John yawned, watching as Rodney neared the door. "Come back when you're done, okay?"
Rodney paused with a hand on the door frame. "You'll probably be asleep," he said.
"Probably," John agreed. He hoped to hell Rodney wasn't going to make him spell it out.
"Oh," Rodney said, surprise crossing his face. "Okay."
He gave John a pleased nod and then slipped out the door.
"Hey, Rodney," John said, trotting up the ramp of the 'jumper to where Rodney was working, open panels and dangling wires all around him. "How's it going?"
"I think I found the damaged crystal."
"Yeah?" John looked up at where Rodney was clipping leads. "Cool," he said, watching Rodney's arms as he worked.
"Hmmm. Yes, very." Rodney gave him an amused look, tapped at the laptop balanced precariously on a ledge, then stared back up at the panels. "Can you give me a hand? Just slide this covering back, and hold it. It's a pain to remove it completely."
"Sure." John reached up. It was a bit of a stretch but he managed to pull the thin piece of composite away from area Rodney was working on and hold it firmly in place.
"Thanks." Rodney ducked his head to watch the monitor, then frowned as he peered back up at the leads. "That's not right."
Rodney cocked his head, exposing one side of his neck. "Well, maybe."
With his free hand, John touched Rodney's neck, running his finger down a well-defined tendon.
"Hey," Rodney said, waving a hand at John as if he were an errant fly. He bent back down over the keyboard, surreptitiously brushing his hand against John's stomach, where his shirt had ridden up and bared his skin.
John chuckled. "Hey," he echoed.
"What?" Rodney asked, feigning innocence, which made John chuckle again, because really, Rodney was terrible at it.
Rodney craned his head and looked out the back of the jumper, presumably checking out the jumper bay. Then he sat on the bench, slid an arm around John's waist and nuzzled John's belly. Bristly cheeks and soft lips, cold nose and a wet tongue as he pushed John's shirt up and mouthed John's skin.
"Oh," John sighed, and he might have even trembled a little, because Rodney's touch was just that good.
"Don't let go," Rodney said, pushing John's shirt all the way up to expose his nipples. "You might damage the leads."
"Rodney," John complained. He tried to spread his legs to straddle Rodney's lap but he nearly lost his balance. Rodney was pinching his nipples, and that didn't help at all, especially when Rodney's mouth covered one and he sucked, hard.
"God," Rodney said, rubbing his cheek against John's chest. "You taste so good, you make me crazy, you know that? I haven't been sane since--since--"
"Yup," John said, nodding. "Dinosaurs"
Choked laughter as Rodney rose up John's body, then kissed him, wrapping his arms around John's body in a fierce hug. John grabbed hold of Rodney's wonderful, wide shoulders with both hands to steady himself.
There was a loud thud overhead, then an awful crunching noise as the panel John released slid back into place.
"Oops," John said, squinting up at it. "That can't be good."
Rodney followed his gaze. "Nope. It's not. Not even a little." He stared at John, eyes narrowing, although his arms remained firmly wrapped around him. "This is all your fault, Sheppard, with the sexy and slinky and 'oh, can I help' and tell me, why can't your pants fit you properly?"
John grinned, and while it was difficult within the confines of Rodney's embrace, shrugged.
"Right." Rodney looked back up at the crushed leads, then back at John. His lips curved up into a lopsided smile. "Let me clean this up. Meet me in my room in twenty minutes?"
"Okay." John patted Rodney's ass. "Hey, you want some help?"
He was still laughing as he ran out of the jumper bay.
John could still hear the thumping bass beat when they stepped out of the transporter.
"They going to be at it all night, aren't they?" Rodney asked. He peered down the hallway, first in one direction, then the other, frowning. "It's that way, right?"
John scratched his head. "I think so."
"I had no idea Ronon could move like that," Rodney continued, stumbling against John as they walked. "I mean really, it was kind of scary. And that thing Lorne and Teyla were doing, that's illegal, right? I mean, right there on the dance floor--"
"It's called dancing, Rodney."
"They were all squished together and rubbing--"
"You mean like this?" John blocked Rodney's way and yanked him close, slipping a leg between Rodney's thighs.
"Yes, yes," Rodney said breathlessly. His hands moved onto John's ass.
"And they moved kind of like this." John circled his hips lazily, grinding his crotch against Rodney's.
Rodney's eyes fluttered shut, long lashes brushing his cheek. "Just like that. Shameless."
John kissed Rodney's warm, happy mouth, right there in the hallway, then stepped back. "Come on," he said, grabbing Rodney's arm and dragging him down the corridor. Then he stopped short, grinned and pointed at the gaily colored banner hanging across their door.
If this room's a-rockin', then don't come a-knockin'.
"Oh, now that's just--" Rodney sputtered as he bumped against John. "Crude, totally crude and, well, true, huh?" He grinned back at John.
John nodded happily and swayed against Rodney's warm, solid bulk. He had to wave his hand over the control for the door twice before it opened--damn thing wasn't working right. Then they both ducked under the banner and entered. Rodney grabbed his hand as the door slid closed. "C'mere."
John leaned willingly into the kiss, fingers gliding under the lapels of Rodney's suit jacket. "Rodney," he crooned. He couldn't stop smiling.
"I know." Rodney grinned again, a big dimpled grin. He ran his hands over John's shoulders, looking him over hungrily. "The dress blues were a good choice. It's totally hot."
Johns squared his shoulders. "Really?"
"Really." Rodney fingered the medals pinned to his chest. "This one here, it's for outstanding blowjob achievement, right?"
"And that one--"
"Meritorious in the servicing of Rodney McKay."
Rodney snorted. "Servicing? Is that what you're calling it?"
John kissed Rodney again, because he could, and because the deep blue suit made his eyes look even bluer. He tried to loosen Rodney's tie further, but Rodney leaned against him, his eyes catching something just past John's shoulder.
"Oh, look, champagne," Rodney exclaimed happily. He slipped away John and grabbed the bottle, pulling it out of the ice bucket. "That's so nice. Isn't it nice? Look, it's from Elizabeth."
"Cool." John nodded, then flopped on the bed. Their big new bed, in their big new suite. He tried to lie back, but the walls spun dizzily. John frowned. Obviously there was something wrong with the room. He put his feet back on the ground and sat up.
The walls came to halt, thank god.
"I can't believe we actually did it," Rodney was saying as he sat down next to John, a full glass in each hand. "I mean we're--we're--"
"Married?" John supplied.
Rodney nodded rapidly. "Yes, that. With the 'I do' and everything."
"We did." John took the proffered glass. "Don't tell me you're having second thoughts," he teased.
"Oh god, no, no, no. This is--I'm so very happy." Rodney's eyes grew damp and shiny.
"Jeeze, Rodney--come on." John nudged Rodney with a shoulder. "You're such a sentimental drunk." He brought his champagne glass to his lips in an effort to hide his grin.
"Am I? Okay, who got sniffly during Jeannie's toast?"
"Hay fever," John insisted.
"Yeah, well." John took a sip of his champagne. It was possible that Jeannie said some startlingly nice things, things he didn't expect and everyone was so happy and they had given them presents and a big boisterous reception to celebrate and now he was married.
He glanced up to see Rodney still gazing wide-eyed at him. "Husband," Rodney said carefully, as if learning a new language. "Oh jeeze." He took a big gulp of his drink.
"Hey," John complained. Although really, he could understand. He hadn't gotten completely over his own little freak-out.
Rodney shrugged, drained his glass, and grinned tipsily. "Isn't it about time some dirty hot husbandly sex?"
"Okay," John said, immediately mollified. He began unbuttoning his jacket, which was surprisingly difficult. Either the buttonholes shrank or the buttons had gotten bigger. "Married sex. That's really cool."
He grinned up at Rodney, who had so far shed his tie and jacket, and was staring in puzzlement at his cuffs. "There's, like, 90 buttons on these." He held his wrist out to John.
John tried to focus on Rodney's wavering arm. "I think there's only two. Maybe three?"
Slipping his jacket off, John tossed it onto a nearby chair. He removed his tie, then kicked off his shoes as Rodney's arms slid around his waist. "John," Rodney said warmly.
John leaned back against Rodney chest. "That's my name."
Rodney laughed against his neck, pulling him down on the bed. This time the room didn't spin, maybe because Rodney was holding him steady, anchoring him, as he had for so many years and John didn't know how he had managed before Rodney came barreling into his life.
"John McKay," Rodney said with a sly grin. "That has a nice ring to it, doesn't it?"
"Rodney," John growled. He rolled over on top of Rodney--without them falling out of bed, nice--and cut off Rodney's laughter with a rough kiss.
"Oh," Rodney sighed against his mouth. He cupped the back of John's head and pulled him in for another.
John lingered on Rodney's mouth this time, then trailed warm kisses down Rodney's neck. He loved the taste of Rodney's skin, the feel of it against his tongue, the way Rodney made so many wonderful little noises. He pulled Rodney's collar away and nipped at the curve of his shoulder, then licked down to the base of his throat, dizzy with the familiar scent of Rodney's sweat.
Rodney moaned. "Yes. Married sex." He rubbed his hand in slow circles on John's back, hips moving to press against John.
When John nuzzled down into Rodney's unbuttoned shirt, Rodney sighed, then stilled his hand, resting it heavily on John's back.
After a moment, John lifted his head and peered up at Rodney's face. Yup. Closed eyes, lips parted and…
Chuckling, John laid his head on Rodney's chest. Married sex was just going to have to wait until morning. He opened one eye to confirm that the coffeemaker was set up and within arm's reach of the bed. Then closed it, pressed his nose into Rodney's chest, and slept, too.